How can we create more balance in our relationships?
Src: Demmis Yart Unsplash
Up in Mazama, Washington, on a family summer vacation almost a decade ago, one of my daughters was spotting me. I stood barefoot on a blue slack line — held taut between two towering cedar trees — about 12 inches or so off the ground. I don’t remember wind, just a comfortable temperature with the quiet gurgle of a river running in my peripheral vision.
To stay balanced, you don’t look down; you focus on something farther away. Not the horizon, but a ways off. I focused on the tree at the end of my 20’ slack line and held my arms out to each side like playing airplane as a kid. I leaned to the right to slowly lift my left foot and gently arch it forward in front of my right foot by a few inches. Then I leaned left, in a mirror dance as the slack line swayed back and forth.
***
What is balance in a relationship? How can we embrace both feminine and masculine traits in the dance between autonomy and intimacy?
what is balance in a relationship?
What I appreciated when reading Dr. Rick Hanson, PhD’s article, “The Dance of Intimacy and Autonomy," was his frame of reference on balance in a relationship. It’s not a black-and-white, either-or, one-size-fits-all perspective.
According to Dr. Hanson, “At the core of every meaningful relationship is the balance between intimacy and autonomy. Intimacy fosters deep connection through trust and shared experiences, while autonomy preserves individuality and personal integrity.”
Dr. Hanson identifies 4 patterns of closeness and independence we move between depending on the circumstances:
Integrated: comfortable and skillful with both closeness and agency
Engulfed: highly connected but not free to act or express yourself fully
Isolated: strong sense of personal desires but weak connections with others
Adrift: disassociated from both others and oneself
I can fall into the engulfed pattern, saying yes when I mean no because I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or I don't have an alternative. Sometimes I don’t say what I’m feeling, because I don’t take the time to know what I’m feeling other than I’m not comfortable.
Most of us want closeness and independence, or an integrated relationship. Hard to do that simultaneously, hence the dance – the right foot, left foot nature of creating memories together. One piece of advice from Dr. Hansen that resonated with me was learning to sit with discomfort instead of reacting impulsively.
There’s so much context around situations that influence our responses — not every battle needs to be fought, and sometimes deciding to give in gracefully is the better choice.
For me, the hardest thing seems to be taking a beat — to ask myself what I am feeling. I jump to — happy-camper everything back to an even keel at the expense of not giving voice to what may have been stirred up unintentionally by somebody else.
My desire to strike the right balance is as much for me and my relationships as it is for modeling for my daughters and granddaughters. It’s like I’m in a petri dish on display, and the people-pleaser in me wants to be a good example.
embracing both feminine & masculine gifts
Another part of balance for ourselves and in the entwined-ness of our relationships involves feminine and masculine characteristics. Feminine traits are often described with words like: receptive, collaborative, and intuitive — right brain perspectives. While the masculine mindset is described as: analytical, courageous, goal-oriented — left brain activities.
It’s easy to say — these traits are not intended to be only men exhibit masculine traits and only women display feminine traits — but culturally harder to see them as gifts we all hold in common, just in different proportions depending on the circumstances.
According to Andrea Mein DeWitt, “While both lists of traits could be considered positive and productive, there is an interesting contrast between them; masculine energies are primarily about ‘doing,’ while feminine energies speak to ‘being.’” The goal is accessing more awareness and a healthy balance of both masculine and feminine gifts.
trailer
As this month’s thought echoes podcast guest, Elina Teboul, who wrote Feminine Intelligence, explains, “Since the Enlightenment era, we have prioritized this masculine approach, which again is all about the left brain, all about a rational way of thinking. And in order to step into that feminine right brain consciousness, it really is about making time for body experiences so that inner knowing and inner listening, you can bring into the masculine to take action on it. But it really does start with finding a space for different kinds of activities that are not traditionally intellectual ones.”
“We can step into this right brain consciousness. We want to make the world different than it is, and we shift into a more collective conscious mindset, and we are able to stand up for those beliefs with confidence and conviction in our workplaces, and so this is, I think, a gift that our culture really needs at this moment.”
***
Back on the slack line, with the rest of my family watching/not watching, I fell a few times. But then something happened. I found myself breathing slower in sync with my aerial dance steps. At one point, my daughter had her arm barely around my waist. Another moment, she lets me imperceptibly touch her shoulder to keep my balance as I practice. During this slow-motion pause in time, in a roll-reversal, my daughter quietly encourages and supports me.
Relationships are fluid, and as much as we, I often want a calm respite from the dance, it may be more about my realizing I need to step back a moment from my energized-get-it-done attitude. Setting aside internal alone time is rejuvenating.
As Karyn Hall, PhD encourages us to ask as part of our mental wellness, “Are you content?” If we’re finding ourselves on auto-pilot in our relationships, she suggests taking some time for self-reflection on how we are feeling. Sit in the discomfort for a bit, and make any adjustments. Taking time will benefit you and those around you.
WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR COMMENTS.
If you enjoyed this post, I invite you to subscribe to my thought echoes newsletter below.