How can accepting uncertainty help us?
Source: Unsplash Jamie Street
My grade school girlfriend sat on the washer in our laundry room. She’d stopped by after school to hang out. I stood holding a folded piece of purple-lined paper. She reached for the note as the dryer thumped away next to her. I leaned against an oversized countertop above six cubicles with laundry baskets. We could hear my sisters playing around the corner, but I wanted privacy so we ducked in here.
The note had a yarn attached to it from hanging outside my second-story bedroom window last night. A group of kids from school planned to meet at midnight, but no one showed up. I came back home, wrote the note, and dropped it out of my window in case I got the time wrong.
I waited for my friend to finish. She said something about one of the boys couldn’t make it, and they never got around to telling me. Sorry. Tonight? We’d try again tonight.
She left through the front door. As I turned around, there stood Mom in her black cat-eye glasses, holding the purple secret in her outstretched hand. Quiet. Still. As if to make sure I was listening. “What’s this?”
I paused, hesitated for a second, then leaned in and gently took the note. Opened it slowly. Pretending to read. My mind scrambling, trying to not look her in the eyes. Oh, we make up stories. Silence. Sounds of my sisters behind her.
My face flushed as I went upstairs to do my homework. I could feel Mom’s eyes watching me. She didn’t push me for more information, I was uncertain of what she’d do, but I knew I hadn’t heard the last of it.
What happens in moments of uncertainty? How do or could we respond? Is there an upside to embracing uncertainty that helps our mental health while navigating through life?
what happens in moments of uncertainty?
We humans do not like uncertainty. Many studies have shown people would rather get an electric shock now than maybe be shocked later. It’s as if the uncertainty becomes an energy in its own right, hovering beside us. There are all kinds of uncertainties we face in the world today. Happy uncertainties like anticipating a birthday celebration or a long awaited vacation.
But often, if not usually, it seems uncertainty tips towards the dark side of the spectrum. We’re uncertain about the future for ourselves and those we love. We worry about people’s health, the political environment, and have angst over climate volatility.
During this month’s thought echoes podcast, I spoke to Diana Raab, author of Hummingbird. Diana shares how the power of being open to the uncertainties and the synchronicities in our lives brings surprises, and often healing and closure.
During the uncertainty of the pandemic it was hard for her to write. She’s had health issues creating more unpredictability into her life. There was this hummingbird that kept hovering outside her window. Diana said she felt energetically connected to her grandmother through that small fluttering creature. She felt compelled to explore what it was all about. Why now?
When we talked about our thoughts echoing through time, in this case with her grandmother, she said “It’s mystical. It’s magical — a sort of vibrational feeling. It’s not something concrete.”
When I asked Diana what advice she would give? She encouraged all of us to be open to synchronicities in times of uncertainty. “Life is too short to be regimented. I tell people to follow their heart — that our minds play games with us.”
how could we respond to uncertainty?
What if we expected there will be uncertainty, that we can't plan our way in-to or out-of every situation. Does that reduce the stress around the waiting time? How would we spend that time otherwise?
There's a productive element of preparation and scenario planning in unpredictable times. There's also a moment where it turns into an obsessive hamster wheel of worrying, which does not feel productive. The what ifs lean to one side of the teeter-totter and your butt gets stuck in the mud because you've lost your positive partner, she's jumped off to play with someone else. What else could I do with the time I spend worrying instead?
If I let uncertainty in as an invitation, it feels more playful and adventuresome than having to constantly by on my guard. Why is that? Because I have a sense of control by inviting it into my day? Or am I just more open-minded and more relaxed, not so rigidly ready to react?
is there an upside to embracing uncertainty that helps while navigating life?
When we’re uncertain, trying to keep an open mind is hard. It’s difficult to keep the worry at bay, especially if you’re low on sleep. In Maggie Jackson’s New York Times essay, “How to Thrive in an Uncertain World,” based on her book Uncertain, she cites Rebecca Solnit, a writer and activist in her book Hope in the Dark, who proposes that “in the spaciousness of uncertainty there is room to act.” It’s through uncertainty itself that forms the basis for all hope. “Hope is an embrace of the unknown and the knowable, an alternative to the certainty of both optimists and pessimists.”
According to Nicole Whiting in her article “The Power of Embracing Uncertainty,” she explains how uncertainty and the unknown are usually viewed with apprehension. For some, uncertainty causes anxiety, fear or what might happen when they don’t have enough information or don’t feel in control of an outcome.
Maggie also writes, Paul K.H. Han, a National Cancer Institute senior scientist says, “it’s all about resetting our expectations of what knowledge is” and developing “A culture of uncertainty tolerance.” Learning to value open-mindedness, flexibility, and curiosity when being unsure should be valued. Often there is not one right answer, so hanging out in the uncertain space allows us to investigate alternatives, see different perspectives.
Nicole offers practical steps for embracing uncertainty:
Cultivate curiosity — what can you explore and learn
Practice patience — honor the journey of discovery
Have your own back — develop a resilient relationship with failure and uncertainty is required for personal growth
We all seek control (which is an illusion) and ironically if we release control in always having to know the right answer or doing the right thing, we build resilience and have an opportunity to grow.
***
Back to that purple-lined paper secret note my Mom found. When Dad came home, she showed him the note in his den. With the door closed. Upstairs I’d heard his car engine going into the garage, but kept repeating the same sentences in whatever textbook I was reading, listening for my name to be called.
My mind ricocheted around how I could make them know it was not a big deal. I knew I had done something wrong and had no idea what my punishment would be, but I knew that I would be punished. I felt guilty. It’s not like I wanted the electric shock, but I wanted to get it over, whatever my punishment would be.
Beth. My dad called from the front hall. I could hear the sternest in his voice through my closed door. I straightened my uniform skirt, pushed back my chair, and took a deep breath.
Downstairs in the den with the door closed, I stood across from Mom and Dad sitting in Captain’s chairs. Dad held out the note? “What’s this?” But this time I didn’t lie. I spilled the truth. Said it was no big deal. We only went to the farmland in the undeveloped subdivision about 10 minutes away. We only drank Coke and ate Oreos.
After I was grounded and had all my privileges taken away, the one that hurt the most was having to drop softball. I wasn’t great, but I enjoyed pitching. Not sure whose idea it was, but I knew it was wrong. Somehow I didn’t feel guilty until I was caught. As a kid in grade school I had no idea what I put my parents through.
I don’t remember them telling me how unsafe it was, I just remember the lie and how much that hurt them. I didn’t meant to hurt them. I didn’t know how scared they were until later. And again when I became a parent.
All the uncertainties parents endure with trying to keep their kids safe. I’ve learned we all have different tolerances for uncertainty, being open and curious helps, and parents will worry.
PLEASE COMMENTS BELOW. HOW DO YOU HANDLE UNCERTAINTY?
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