How can asking “why” help us uncover our intentions?
Src: Le Mucky Unsplash
We’re sitting at our kitchen table of the last few decades, one of the last meals before demolition starts on our latest remodel. My 3-year-old granddaughter squirms a little in the same chair where our youngest used to hold court growing up. She eats from a bowl of beans and rice with one of her little spoons.
She’s been asking “why” questions all day.
When the little rock-climber-in-training says “why” — it’s a drawn-out dramatic syllable, verging on two. Wh-yyy with an upward lilt as her lips open wide and cheeks stretch into an almost smile. Her blue eyes stare at whoever says something she wants to know more about. There’s an urgency to fill her little growing brain with information from her favorite people.
To her parents at the table, I say, ”She’s primed for leading a root cause analysis team.” I grin as a sip some wine and take another bite from my beans and rice bowl.
There’s a funny look on her dad’s face. What?
My husband and I both worked on product development teams and explained that when there’s a problem, you keep asking “why” until you get to the root cause. Five times is the magic number.
“Why do you ask so many why questions?” I said.
“Because I need someone to tell me the answer.”
The little rock-climber-in-training sips her water. She knows she needs to hydrate.
***
What are intentions and how are they different from goals? How can asking “why” help us uncover our intentions as we plan for and welcome the new year?
what are intentions & how are they different than goals?
In this month’s thought echoes podcast with Caroline Adams Miller, author of Big Goals, I’m learning to reframe my mindset around goals and dreams. Caroline introduced me to the science of Goal-Setting Theory. (Yes, there is a science behind goal setting, and it involves setting challenging goals.)
When we think of goals, they’re a target we’re driving toward. With intentions, they’re a mindset helping us focus on why we want to pursue a goal or dream in the first place.
Maybe it’s because I’m retired, but the thought of setting goals snaps me back to corporate’s quarterly revenue targets (which I do not miss). Now, I’m trying to choose where my energy goes and enjoy the process leading to fulfilling a goal or dream.
One of the key elements in setting a big goal or dream is understanding why we’re interested in the first place. Caroline reintroduced me to VIA Character Strengths. A simple 15-minute test identifies your top strengths. Turns out that learning our strengths can help uncover how we can live our lives with intention and fuel our goals and dreams.
Ten years ago, my #1 strength was Curiosity. Although still in my top five, Zest has risen to the top spot, which I fully embrace. When I feel a bit burned out, it’s like a balloon of energy is deflating, a good sign to turn up my curiosity (a tip from my report). And when overused (ask my family) I’m in everyone’s face with whatever I’m excited about, a good sign I need to chill.
I encourage everyone to give VIA a try.
how can asking “why” uncover our intentions?
Everyone has goals and dreams. Understanding one’s intention for why sets a compass and helps with commitment. For anyone who has struggled to meet a goal, there may be a surprising reason. Goal-Setting Theory explains the difference between learning goals and performance goals.
When you’re learning something new, it’s more about what you’re learning, not how fast you can learn it.
My granddaughter is learning how to rock-climb. She’s not ready to do El Capitan anytime soon. Hopefully never if her grandfather has anything to say about it.
I’m learning different ways to make vegan desserts. I am not ready for the Great English Bakeoff. But, when it comes to streamlining my tax record preparation each year, those are all-in performance goals.
Another piece of advice Caroline offered, especially for women — “When you dare to have a big goal or a big dream, the first person you utter that goal or dream to, better have a response that is curious and enthusiastic.”
If they don’t, she explained, that first response can make you walk away from your goal. You need to protect your big dream at all costs — it’s called goal-shielding.
“Dreams push us to grow, challenge ourselves, and discover what we’re truly capable of. The greatest achievements come from stepping outside our comfort zones and embracing the hard things. That’s where we uncover our strengths and see who stands beside us.”
When I first shared my big dream of writing a memoir about saving a mansion with my husband, he said, “Why would anyone want to read our story?”
My heart sank.
Although we were partners in the venture to save the mansion, he took center stage as the remodeling expert. Writing a memoir would be my project.
After we saved the mansion, when I chatted with our banker at the time, he said, “You keep saying this project is all about your husband, but you light up every time you tell the story.”
Writing a memoir is a learning goal for me. When I use the 5 Whys to dig deeper — it's about proving I can and about legacy memory-making. It’s ultimately a love story to my 17-year-old self and her 17-year-old boyfriend.
***
Back at the kitchen table, I asked my granddaughter a follow-up why question.
“Why do you need someone to tell you the answer?”
“Because I don’t know the answer.”
She furrowed her brow. Don’t you adults understand me?
We all shook our heads. She knows exactly why she is asking all those questions. We didn't need to go the full five rounds.
What are your dreams or goals? How can you ask “why” with curiosity and without judgement to dig into your mindset and motivation? What lights you up and where can you incorporate more of it into your daily life?
WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR COMMENTS. SHARE YOUR DREAMS & WHYS BELOW.
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