What if we invited more wonder vs happiness into our lives?

Src: Greg Rakozy Unsplash

After almost 50 years I sometimes finish my husband’s sentences. But when there’s a pause, I know there’s something carefully-crafted coming.

We’re standing near the dining table, a few feet apart. He’s reading some mail.

'“Did you read the article I texted you? On happiness?”

A moment passes. I keep my lips closed, waiting for his reaction.

“Yes …”

“The part about toxic positivity?” I said.

More silence. What’s he going to say?

“That’s you.”

My heart falls in my chest. My mouth goes dry. I want to defend myself, but pause a beat. I sent the article for a reason.

“When the author talked about her mother being a happy-chondriac, I thought of Mom, but know it’s me too … always rushing to put a positive spin on things.”

He nods his head up and down, still checking the mail before our eyes meet. I stood straighter to listen.

“You do drive me crazy with always trying to find the positive.”

***

What is wonder versus happiness? And what if we invited more wonder into our lives?

what is wonder versus happiness?

In this month’s thought echoes podcast with Monica Parker, author of The Power of Wonder, she described how she came to write the book. Originally she focused on wanting to help people “metabolize the change they were thrust into” — losing jobs, corporate takeovers, people on death row. During her research she found — people who were most resilient to change, looked at the world through a lens of wonder.

Finding a language for wonder was an important element of Monica’s work. Examining wonder as a verb - akin to curiosity, and as a noun - closer to awe.

When we think of happiness, it’s a single emotion and all positive. With wonder, there’s an element of taking in what happens, the positive and the negative. “I think that looking at the negative through a wonder lens, allows us to not resist and not deny the negative, but then also recognize what positive exists,” Monica says.

My “toxic positivity” comes from wanting things to swing positive (all the time), searching for a silver lining. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Research suggests that optimism plays a role in our physical and mental well-being, according to Immaculata De Vivo, a Professor of Medicine at Harvard Medical School.

My mom modeled optimism all of her life — with rare exceptions. The older she got, she lingered longer on her list of maladies before saying something like, “But it’s better than the alternative!” with a chuckle and self-deference for not being in control anymore and how hard that was.

When something bad happens and we too quickly jump to a positive place, others may feel we’re being dismissive. Understanding more about what is happening allows curiosity to step in for deeper listening. One can acknowledge the “suckatude of reality” as Monica says when telling a story about her mother’s dealing with an Alzheimer’s diagnosis for her father before embracing hope and that the two can live together — the “suckitude” and the hope.

A lesson I learned from reading Monica’s article — I have a tendency to jump to the positive side of the teeter-totter way too quickly. For myself and others. I'm putting off what's going to have to get processed later, and it may not come out in the most graceful ways. So, I’m trying to take a pause, even if it's a short one, to acknowledge whatever's happening. Even if it doesn’t feel good or to let my brain try to figure out what’s going on and why something triggered me or someone else.

what if we invited more wonder into our lives?

Monica’s book has oodles of suggestions for how to invite more wonder into our lives, but they all point toward slowing down. She identifies three ways to help slow our thoughts: meditation, being in nature, and sleep. If we don’t have a good night’s sleep, it’s hard not to get caught up in the busyness of our lives. We become more reactive, so it’s hard to pause and absorb what’s going on. Can we learn to be patient enough to be curious and ask what does this mean to me, or might mean to someone else being triggered?

With relationships where we’re quick to jump-in to solve a problem or knee-jerk justify our position, Monica explains how a filter of curiosity can help. “Our brain is finding footholds out of the hole that we've dug ourselves, or out of the hole that we've been thrown into. And that curiosity can also show another person that you're genuinely interested in their needs.”

We talked about some of our personal wonderbringers. (Monica: perfect sunsets, sharing ideas, art and theater. Mine: Joshua Tree, granddaughters, photographing moments with friends and family.) Monica mentioned a funny story that made me chuckle-cringe. She shared how a husband loved debating and his wife didn’t. His wife loved being in nature. He thought maybe she wasn’t as smart, before realizing what brings her wonder was just as significant to her, but in a different way than for him.

“I think when we start to see what our wonderbringers are and recognize that they aren’t just hobbies or things we like to do … they’re in fact fundamental to the foundation of who we are as humans.”

— Monica Parker

It’s hard for me not to feel wonder watching my rock-climber-in-training, 3-year-old granddaughter dance around in her homemade, scarf-skirt and overhear whispering conversations with her animal friends. I love watching her with little finger puppets under pillows and blankets in a fort she built in the living room. A 3-year-old’s imagination at play, viewing life from the lens of wonder, by default.

What a privilege to witness her world, imagining how she’s experiencing life with all her firsts. I wonder how she sees us adults. Does she feel sorry for us, that we can’t see what she does?

And with her 10-month-old baby sister, so ready to crawl, earnest frustration on her face as she baby-grunts and reaches for toys and books, barely within reach. There’s bittersweet knowledge that her practicing being human and the frustration she feels now, will serve her well in the future — if, she holds onto that curiosity and determination when times get tough later in life.

***

Earlier this week, when setting up our Christmas tree, the tree got the better of my husband. I stood holding the trunk at arm’s length, prickly needles tickling my fingers. My legs braced for balance and to keep the tree from falling into the window. My husband’s body on its side, mostly hidden under the tree (except for his legs I keep tripping over when I step back to see if the tree is straight). He grunts struggling to center the tree in the stand, trying to keep it plumb. The tree smells like chain saw gas, and so does he.

After more tries than we want to admit, we manage to place all the lights around the tree and step back. She leans a ridiculous amount. The top of the tree shaped like the Harry Potter sorting hat, kinked to one side — seems to laugh at us. I almost chuckle out loud and want to say “but it’s a beautiful tree!”

My husband’s shoulders drop. He shakes his head and swears under his breath. I remember Monica’s words about not jumping too quickly to the other side of the teeter-totter, and say, “It’s frustrating … taking so many times to get the tree balanced. Tree suckitude.” He has no idea what I’m talking about, but I laugh.

***

Monica’s words of wisdom — “I think for folks, what I want them to see is that there is more, that this life we live in sometimes drags us down, that can polarize, and be full of strife … if we choose to see the world through a lens of wonder … not in a Pollyanna sense … if we seek wonder together, I believe, that we can create a more tolerant, peaceful world.”

What are your wonderbringers?

WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR COMMENTS. SHARE YOUR WONDERBRINGERS BELOW.

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